The bad days!

What do I mean?

What do I mean by the bad days? I mean the days when the disability, chronic pain, anxiety and depression all throw tantrums in my face. The days that for whatever reason I feel that my life should be hidden.  

Those days!

Those days are getting fewer but I know that they will never go away completely. They are the most horrible days when all I want to do is hide and sleep until either the pain goes away or something else changes. And that's not going to happen despite my dream and wishes.

I don't want to die although in my formative years that has been the case.

When I was growing up it was the end of the generation where the children were told to be seen but not heard and the disabled were still put in care homes rather than out in society learning, doing and earning when they can.

It was a time when the lbgtq+🏳️‍🌈 community was also hidden and denied. 

Coming to terms!

Now there has been so much change yet nothing really changes at the same time.

In general most minority societies are accepted and yet there are times when we are expected to hide. Or other members of society are ashamed of us. And I think that will always be. Members who would rather we were still hidden or didn't exist. But that's not going to happen. I'm glad about that.

At the moment!

As I have said, things have changed, but not enough. For me the world has only taken a few steps towards equality for all the disabled.

  

What would I like?

I would love it if there was more equality for us regarding living in homes too. Because there's not enough housing for people who are disabled and have families of their own. It is almost like we are not allowed to be able to have a family.

What's happening?

What do I mean by that? At the moment it is known that we are in the process of getting a home that is fit for me and the future that may happen. This is the ongoing theme at the moment that I post about in posts such as In limbo waiting for the future. Especially as cerebral palsy causes so many changes as you get older with the condition. Those I have mentioned in other posts such as what is spastic cerebral palsy

 

What's next?

I don't really know what is next for the future for anyone let alone myself. Although I am working on some things that I need for myself. But I hope that there is more equality for everyone no matter what.

What about you?

So what do you think about this? What are your thoughts on this?

In Limbo! Waiting for the future

It can be difficult to feel like you are in limbo, not knowing what the future holds. However, try to focus on the present moment and what you can do to make your current situation the best it can be. Remind yourself of the things that bring you joy. And use this time to work on personal growth. The future will come when it is ready and you can use this time to prepare for it.

What does that mean?

It means exactly that! This may mean learning new skills, self development in any way. Sorting out the business you're in, getting the house in order for the next move or anything else that is needed.

For me!

This has meant having the house partially packed up. I kind of hate this situation. However, I am ready for whatever happens next in the sense of the house move because I am waiting for other people to do what they need to do in order to make my next step. That stage will be exciting. ☺️

What have I been doing?

I have been reading all types of books, catching up on TV shows that I have wanted to see and seeing friends. While waiting I have also dealt with some of my medical issues that I do talk about in posts. So that includes the main issue cerebral palsy, endometriosis, general anxiety disorder and clinical depression.

What now?

All I can do right now is wait until I get told what is next. It is frustrating but it is a good way to learn something like patience. And that is something that I have been doing since this has begun.and I will be seeing friends, reading, watching TV series I've not seen and wanted to as well. 

What's next?

Until I know when I am moving I will be working on my self development. This will be regarding my worth, use, patience and more.

So until then that is what is happening with my life with cerebral palsy and endometriosis. And that's ok for me!

Until the next post!

I hope you will read some of my posts and stick around for the next one.

The new year ahead!

As we enter the new year, we have the opportunity to make it our best one yet. I'm sure we all have our own personal goals, but let's also strive to make this year a positive one for everyone.

Let's be kind to one another, show compassion and understanding, and be supportive of our friends and family. Let's also strive to be creative and come up with new ideas and solutions to any problems that arise. I'm sure this year will be filled with a lot of challenges, but if we approach them with optimism and a can-do attitude, then together we can make this year memorable for all the right reasons.

Wishing everyone a safe and happy new year!

My goals!

My goals for the year ahead are simple.

• To move to the right home.

• To write more posts.

• To write more poems

• To write some short stories

• To be back on air with your hits digital

What are your dreams?

My dreams for the year are to continue to learn and grow as a person, to stay healthy and active, to develop meaningful relationships with friends and family, to pursue my passions and goals, to give back to my community, and to be open to new experiences and opportunities.

What are your goals?

There are so many things that could be goals or dreams that you can have and they are not constricted to what the disability that you have.

Ok so the conventional ideas don't always work because of how cerebral palsy can affect the body. But that shouldn't matter because you as a person matter more than the disability. You are a person first and foremost. Who happens to have a disability.

Possible dreams

There are so many different things that I want to do and plan that I am doing them on a weekly basis rather than long term because at the moment that is out of the question. These include:

• finish packing up the house

• Start getting healthier

• Start being more proactive

• Unpack at the new house

• Get healthier food

• Read more

• Write more

And yes these coincide with my goals so be it. These are my personal ones as those are what I have wanted for a long time. But for various reasons I have not been able to complete these for a very long time.

Putting things forward

Putting things forward means to me making plans and goals shorter than a lot of people would expect as I can't plan as far ahead as I would like because of cerebral palsy. So my plans go mainly week by week at the moment. Although I have dreams that can be longer term but I don't see each step. Which I'm just beginning to learn at my age.

It doesn't matter what the dream is!

This is what I think is important the most because as I said in the earlier paragraphs it doesn't matter what your goals and dreams are. No one is the same and shouldn't have the same dreams as everyone is different.

So next!

It's the new year and there are new things to experience and learn from each day. And that's the most important thing to realise.

So there are positive and negative energies that happen daily. And you are stronger than you think and can do whatever you want. No matter what you have as a disability.

When everyone else's dream is not your own

It can be difficult when your dreams don't match up with those of your peers or the people around you. It's important to remember that it's okay to be different and to strive for something that is uniquely yours. 

Don't be afraid to take the road less travelled and to follow your own path. You may find that it leads you to a place that is even more amazing than you ever imagined.

So what is stopping you?

The biggest thing stopping me is feeling overwhelmed by the task at hand. I'm trying to break it down into smaller steps that I can focus on one at a time, so that I can stay motivated and make progress.

And this has been most prevalent with the move that is coming up. Which is why I have been mentally exhausted and unable to write or even record my podcast when I know that I should. 

But I thought while in a bit of nomansland regarding it I thought what the heck. And thought that knowing and accepting that my dreams are different to everyone else would make a good post. 

Realising that my dreams are different.

In my last post a longer wait than I thought! I mentioned the situation and what's happening so I won't mention it again. 

But realising that my dream is not the same as everyone else is ok. 

There are people who have disabilities such as mine, cerebral palsy, and are able to get the dreams that most people aspire to but I never aspired to what was expected of me by my peers. 

Because of the uncertainty of what cerebral palsy does to the body as you get older. Each case and person is different. It is also not very well documented about the adults who have cerebral palsy as it is considered a childhood disability. 

Which is why I am here to show people how the condition affects people on a personal level as I age. I have written previously about what happens in a broad sense in the seasons and how they affect the body with cerebral palsy. And its series.

There is so much more!

There is so much more because everyone has a reason to be on this planet. 

I think I know that my reason is to be a voice for those who don't. And to help those who have family with the condition. But they feel that they don't understand what the condition is and how it affects us from a personal view. 

And that's part of my dream to be that voice and bridge between.

What next?

So although it is a quiet and stagnant time. Along with personal feelings of inadequacy and depression because of the situation I really wanted to write this post and be positive for the future.

For the future?

Well this at the moment is completely uncertain. And I can't plan ahead too much. That is doing my head in to a degree because I can't. Then again I know it is a lesson that I need to learn. So I am taking each day as it comes.

My hope!

Is that there will be some sort of stability after the holidays and that the home that I have will be the one. but if not then it's ok! Because nothing is truly final.

So what is next?

My aim is to continue writing about what is happening throughout this period. And beyond because that is my dream.

A longer wait than I thought!

Why am I writing now?

The reason I am writing now is because there is a longer waiting period than I had thought or had hoped for. I wanted to explain why I haven't written for such a long time.

What has been happening?

I had thought we would have moved by now but that isn't the case. The local council has very limited housing and because the needs I have the number of homes are reduced even further. This has made things very stressful. I know that it's the right decision even though the timing is off in my opinion.

What's the plan?

For the next 6 - 8 weeks it is a waiting game. The reason is because of where we are now. Most of our stuff is packed up in boxes ready to go. We were to be leaving in late November. However, that did not happen. Then we had thought that maybe mid December like the previous one a couple of years ago but that's not happening either! Now we are not sure when exactly or where. Yet it will be within the next 6-8 weeks. This means that we are where we are for the holiday season. 

Feelings about it!

There's so many different types of feelings going on within me and the family as a whole. The feelings include the following.

• Anger
• Frustration 
• Worry
• Annoyance
• Acception 
• Excitement
• Happiness

All of these feelings are felt all at once and individually. Throughout the day and sometimes at night. Meaning that I find it difficult to get to sleep.  

All of these feelings are normal, I know. Yet they can really disrupt me.

Why?

This is because they turn my attention to them rather than what I want to do, which is either writing, recording my radio show or spending time with the rest of the family.

The meantime!

During this time I won't be writing much if at all during this time as boxes are everywhere and making me unstable. So I am just sitting, watching TV, reading, listening to podcasts, audiobooks as well as slowly getting ready for the move. And doing lots of self development stuff as the cerebral palsy has many secondary problems. Some of them are mental health issues and others are physical problems that have occurred over time. These include for me the following:

1. General anxiety disorder.
2. Clinical depression.
3. Panic attacks.
4. Bone damage.
5. Arthritis.
6. Post impairment syndrome.
7. Bone disfigurement.

Some of these have been life long and some of them have been arriving the older I get. These include:

• Bone disfigurement
• Arthritis 
• Post impairment syndrome.

What does this mean?

For me this has meant that with the stress of everything regarding the move has meant that my moods and physical ability has been restricted as I have either been trying to help pack up again or felt so awful that I have not been able to do anything.

What's next?

So while I am staying relatively quiet except on Instagram @sweetestmoonuk where you can find me daily.